Shame and Guilt

Recently, while on Youtube I watched an interview between Ellen DeGeneres and the lead singer of Imagine Dragons. At the beginning of the interview he talks about his experience while he was attending BYU and how he was kicked out for having sex with his then girlfriend. He says, "I felt a bit of shame in my life over something I shouldn’t have been shamed about." In this post I would like to talk about the difference between guilt and shame, their effect and then draw from my own experience. Before we dive into this post, I want to state that he felt shame and guilt because he broke the Law of Chastity.

Guilt

I would first like to start off with a quote from Elder David A. Bednar where he says, "Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body—a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage." With that in mind we need to ask ourselves a couple of questions. First, who does guilt come from? What comes as a direct result from guilt?

Lds.org says, "as we strive to stay on the path that leads to eternal life, the Holy Ghost can guide us in our decisions and protect us from physical and spiritual danger." So if the Holy Ghost protects us from spiritual danger and guilt is a protection that is used to prevent us from causing further damage from sin then guilt comes from the Holy Ghost. If it comes from the Holy Ghost, then it comes from God Himself. For example, we are commanded that we do not partake in pornography. If I were to stumble across and start watching it, the Holy Ghost will give me a feeling of guilt. That could be a thought that you shouldn't be watching it, a pit in your stomach or an uneasy feeling. This is the Holy Ghost telling me that what we are doing is wrong and I should stop. He will continue to warn us until we stop listening! Guilt comes from God.

So then what are the effects of guilt? When you feel guilt and you listen that feeling, it triggers a sequence of events that may look similar to this. You can't get the bad feeling to go away because you know that what you did was wrong and the Holy Ghost is confirming that. Spiritual damage as been done and you need to heal. This guilt will lead you to pray, read your scriptures, talk to your parents or the best remedy, talk to your priesthood leaders. It will cause you to feel sorry for what you did and then renew your desire to do better. To be better. Guilt is the starting point to repenting and helps us to once again be worthy of the Holy Ghost. The results of guilt is positive.

Shame

We tend to think that guilt and shame are synonymous, when they never have been and never will be. For an example, I will us the story of Adam and Eve. God gave the two of them 2 commandments. The first was to multiply and replenish the earth and the second was not to partake of the fruit of the tree of good and evil. As the story goes, Eve partakes and so does Adam. Satan convinced them to break the commandments but the worst part is that he taught them to be ASHAMED. The conversation that takes place between Adam, Eve and Heavenly Father is as follows in Genesis3:8-13.

"8. And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.

9. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10. And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

11. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12. And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

13. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

From this story we can now answer the two previous questions. Who does shame come from? What are the effects of shame? We learn from Genesis that shame comes from SATAN! God asks Adam, "Who told you that ye were naked? To hide from me?" The effect of shame was the hiding, sewing the fig leaves and being afraid when hearing the voice of the Lord. Satan wants us to feel shame because it'll stop us from going to church because we don't feel worthy or good enough. He wants us to feel shame so that we are too embarrassed to talk with a priesthood leader. That they'll judge us and think differently of us, when in reality they just want to help. He wants us to feel shame so we don't read our scripture or talk with our parents. Shame stops us from doing what's right and progressing!

Personal Experience

My husband and I were supposed to get sealed in the temple over a year ago, on April 8, 2017. We had the date picked out and everything. His family was traveling across the world to attend along with all my family making the drive, the reception was to be right after and we even asked a member from my husband's mission to seal us in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. It wasn't until a couple weeks before that we finally had the courage to confess to both our bishops that we were not fully keeping our temple covenants and therefor we were not worthy to be sealed on the date everyone was planning on. We decided to get married anyways and had a civil ceremony. We had to tell our WHOLE family and everyone involved.

Fast forward to June 10, 2018 as we are interviewing with our Stake President, both worthy and able to attend the temple to be sealed July 3, 2018. Looking back on the past year and how hard we've worked, I've realized the role that both shame and guilt has played in our repentance process. Shame kept me from posting pictures of our civil ceremony of Facebook because I was too scared of what other members of the church would say. Shame is what caused my own grandmother to disown my husband and I. Shame is what kept me from enjoying church every Sunday as I heard these perfect BYU-I couples talk about their sealing. Shame is what embarrassed me when other members of the church asked what temple we were sealed in. Shame is what stopped me from even talking about my wedding day. Shame is what caused them to always say 'oh' with a weird look on their face and then awkwardly change the subject. Shame made me hesitate to attend the temple again. Shame self inflicted. Shame is culture. It is not what the LDS faith or the Savior teaches.

But guilt? Guilt is what lead me to set up an appointment with our bishop in the married ward to start our journey to the temple. Guilt is what stopped us from taking the sacrament until we fully repented. Guilt is what started our habits as a couple to pray and read our scriptures. Guilt is what told us to take the temple seriously and not get sealed in the first place unless we were worthy. To start off our marriage with trust, honesty and respect for the Lord. I am SO GRATEFUL for guilt and the path it started me and husband on. Guilt is the spirit protecting us from spiritual casualty and allows us to realign our lives with the will of God. 

The Take Away?

Do not put guilt and shame in the same pot to mix together. Both have different purposes and consequences. We should never make others feel ashamed either! That's what Satan does! And we should never make others feel guilty either, that's the Holy Ghost's job! We are to love all and aid each other on our own individual journeys back to God's presence. Let the Savior take both the guilt and the shame away. Let guilt be the starting point of your repentance process and let it go once you give it over to Jesus Christ.

xoxo, Madi