Dating Advice

I’ve been married now and looking back I was pretty damn good at dating. I’d like to think that I nailed it when it came to choosing a partner for myself (even though marriage is a living commitment that takes daily work to nourish). To those dating I have one activity for you sit down and do before you go on the next date or before you get back in the game.

It’s called the Negotiables and Non-Negotiables.

We’ll start with the Non-negotiables because they are the most important and can make or break a relationship/marriage. These are traits/things you want in your future partner that you CANNOT compromise. These are things like if you want kids in the future, want to get married, if you’re religious what kind of activity do you want in your church, etc. These are the the most important things in your life. For example, when I was dating my 5 non-negotiables were:

1. I wanted to always be active in my church and when I dated I only dated members from my church. This is important for any members of the Church reading this. Marriage is hard but when you marry someone of the same faith, usually that means you have the same long term goals, especially if y’all are both members. I asked questions about how felt about the church, cool experiences they had and asked if they could see themselves going to church. While my husband and I were dating, he struggled with his testimony for a little bit. Right then and there I said, “T, you gotta figure if this is what you want. My goal is to always have the church in my life.”

2. He had to want kids! I see so many people who date someone who isn’t on the same page when it comes to this... have this conversation before y’all get married because 9/10 a person isn’t going to change their mind on this subject. Kids are a HUGE deal and the ultimate commitment. My husband wasn’t very good with kids and always said he hated them. So I was a little reserved and ended up breaking up with him because I thought he didn’t want any. Turns out, when we actually had the conversation, he just hates other people’s and wanted 4 or 5 kids which is exactly what I wanted!

3. At some point you have to talk about money. For me I’m huge on not going into debt unless it’s for a house or education. Since that’s a teaching we share from our church, we were Allgoods.

4. He had to have a sense of humor and laugh off the dumb things that happen in life. For me this is important because this was something that is taught in my family. Shake it off, laugh it off and move on. It’s important that you see your potential husband/wife/partner is stressful situations. If they handle in a way that you can deal with for the rest of your life then.. cool!

5. He had to be an RM. I might get crap for this but for me, being an RM myself, I knew what a mission taught. It teach compromise, communication skills, living in your own with someone, hard work, and other life skills perfect for marriage. If you’re not Mormon, evaluate if the other person communicates in a healthy way that’s compatible with how you communicate.

Last thing that you do is make yolur negotiables list. These are things that you can compromise on that you wish your future partner would have but it isn’t a deal breaker. These are things like wanting your future partner to play sports or he has to have brown eyes or has to be tall. Hahaha. These don’t necessarily have to do with core beliefs or serious topics although they could be. I made 5 negotiables and 5 non-negotiables when I was dating but you could make more.

The most important thing is to NEVER compromise on your non-negotiables. Don’t go into a relationship expecting someone to change. You marry the person for who they are and change together, as a unit.

GOOD LUCK!!! Do not settle! There are so many people out there to choose from! It’s the most important decision and will effect every facet of your life! Choose wisely!