My Anxiety Story

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. It's checking your bank account over and over and over even though you know how much you have in it. It's feeling like your husband doesn't love you even though he married you and tells or shows you every day. It's skipping meals because you're nervous you'll start gaining weight again or your pants are getting a little tighter. It's not sleeping because you have this constant feeling that something bad is going to happen or go wrong. It's racing thoughts, trouble breathing, and migraines. Anxiety is a lot of things and it's more common than you think.

Global Burdon of Disease, an international heath organization, conducted a study in over 91 countries with an average of 480,000 subjects in each case study. They found that 1 in 13 people in the world have anxiety, United States being the most anxious country in the world. And yet, most of the time it goes untreated. I think it's our culture. We have the attitude of "fake it til you make it" or "it's all in your head. Just be happy." It's been a little under a year since I was diagnosed with anxiety. I'm here to tell you it's real and not just in my head. It's not something that you can just think away. I thought I might tell my journey with my anxiety.

Looking back, I've always had little episodes of it. Since anxiety has such a variety in symptoms, it's so very different for each person. For me I start to obsess over a thought or create a situation in my head. That situation is usually super unrealistic and hasn't even happened yet. I over-analyze and assume all at the same time. Once that thought is in my head, I can't get it out. I think and analyze so much that it makes my stomach feel uneasy and I get nauseous. That feeling would be so strong that it overpowered my appetite or any motivation to do my daily tasks. I can sit in my room for hours and be lost in my own thoughts. My head literally feels like it's on fire. At one point it got so bad, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought that if I died, my mind would finally stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop obsessing. 

When I was little, I remember obsessing on protecting my brother. I would have dreams about having to save him or something happening to him. I wouldn't stop thinking about his welfare and if something were to go wrong. When we would go back and forth between my parents house for visitation, I obsessed in knowing where he was. I think that's why I was so controlling and bossy with him. My anxiety didn't really hit until I got back from my mission. I felt and thought that I had to perfect in order to receive any blessings. So when I didn't read my scriptures, it would make me anxious. I would only go to church because not being obedient made me anxious. It's like the feeling of waiting to get your whooping once you know your mom know you did something bad. So every time I didn't make the perfect decision, I became anxious.

It wasn't until after I went to go visit my husband in New Zealand that it hit me like a wall. It wasn't even about him at first. It started with doubts about my religion and if the commandments were actually right. Then I doubted whether or not I actually existed or if there was life after death. I knew those were real because of my testimony but I still felt anxious about everything I knew. My anxiety then permanently latched on to my husband and mine's relationship. With divorce running thick in my family, I analyzed and made up situations in my head that involved him not wanting me. Any excuse to end the relationship, my mind obsessed over it. That's when I started having suicidal thoughts. My mind would tell me that I wasn't worth it and he didn't even want me. God had someone better for him who actually deserved being with him. I wouldn't eat or sleep. I constantly felt my heart racing and that I couldn't breathe. I'd have a constant headache and I would lay in bed all day just thinking about how undeserving I was in life. No matter what I did I could not get these thoughts or feelings to go away. It would leak into my faith, my work, my schooling and my relationships. According to my anxiety, I was undeserving in any area of my life.

In October I went and talked to my doctor. I was able to get on some medication and it helped out a little bit. I can honestly say it hasn't completely gone away. My next goal is to see a psychiatrist. I am so grateful for my husband and his support and patience through this rough patch in my life. It hasn't been as bad since I've gotten married but I have my bad days. I think that my husband and the medicine really helped so I could wait it out a bit and learn what was happening to me mentally. For those who also suffer from anxiety like me, there is hope. Anxiety has to do with behaviors and how we learn to handle situations. Here are some things that have helped with my anxiety:

1. Meditation: sometimes it's good to lay down, practice breathing and learn how to control your thoughts. I actually use an app called Calm Meditation. It does exercises with you to help you learn how to control your thoughts and how to calm yourself down. I usually use this when I start to feel anxious or I start to think too much. I like to wind down right before bed with this app as well since my anxiety keeps me up at night.

2. Talk it out: when you're stuck in your head and it's for a long time, it's good to say them out-loud. That person can bring you to reality and help you discern what's actually in your head and what's happening in real life. I am so grateful for my husband and my best friend Elide for lending an ear when I need to put my thoughts into words.

3. Know Your Anxiety: you have to know the signs of your anxiety what causes it. get to know your body. I always ask myself, "Is this me or is this my anxiety?" Know yourself enough to know when you need alone time, when you need to be with other people and when you need help outside yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to a mental health professional and your doctor.

4. Express Yourself: don't hold your fears, your concerns and your worries inside, no matter how unrealistic they may sound. Don't be afraid to tell people you are feeling anxious either. You're not going crazy and you're not loosing your mind. A lot of people have anxiety.

Anxiety is a real thing. You're not alone. I can tell you that things will get better. It did for me and it can for you. You are deserving of all the success you want in this life and more. If you feel like you might struggling with anxiety or even depression consult your doctor or health care professional. Anxiety does not define you and you can defeat it.

Tips For The College Student

If you think you have to be super smart to be successful in college, you're wrong. Anyone can rock college. It's all about habits and good decisions. Here are some tips and tricks to help you find triumph the next however long you have at University.

- The best advice my dad ever gave me was to treat school like a job. If you want to keep your job you show up on time, get your projects done by the due date and you never miss a day of work unless you really have to. I can honestly count on one hand how many times I have actually missed class. It is so important to go to class because most professors test you on what they say during the lecture than what is on their PowerPoints. Plus, going to class helps you to take it more seriously and keep track of your assignments.

- Get organized. The classes that I didn't get as good of grades in, are the ones where I forgot assignments or didn't stay on top of the class schedule. I usually get a planner and write down all the major assignments for the semester. Then the Sunday at the beginning of each week I write down the little homework assignments due in between all the projects and papers. Writing down things and keeping a schedule helps you get in a rhythm. It also helps with my anxiety. Because I know that I have everything in my planner, once I'm done I check it off and I no longer have to think about it.

- Have your priorities in line. My rule is work during the week and then I can play all weekend. The occasional going out with friends on a Tuesday or Wednesday night is fine but I always do most of my work on weekdays. Majority of the assignments I've missed have been on the weekends. I would try to get all your school work done Thursday or Friday. If you have plans that weekend or are going out of town, don't expect yourself to do it during your trip. Just plan ahead and get it done. If your friends wanna go out but you haven't studied for a test yet, put your test first. After you graduate, you'll be able to relax more and have more free time. Bust it out now and you'll be rewarded later.

- When you feel overwhelmed in a class or not matter how hard you work you get bad grades, don't be afraid to see a tutor. You may be the smartest kid in the world but some professors just don't communicate what they are looking for. See a TA for what the professor is really grading on and what you should focus on when studying or writing your essays. Don't let your grade get to the point where you can't recover it. You can always tell in the first 3 weeks whether the class is going to be easy or hard for you. As soon as you feel like you can't do it on your own, schedule an appointment with the class TA or tutor.

- It's okay to not have your major figured out in the first or second semester. The general classes are there to help you explore and find your passion. Take the time to get to know what you are interested in, do job searches and see what suites your future. I thought I was going to be a nurse and then I took a World Foundations class that taught about world religions and cultures. I changed my major to International Studies after that class. Don't stress about it. You'll figure it out.

- Student debt is not a bad thing. Think of your education as an investment. Through your education you'll get the career you want with a steady salary, more money and stable finances. It will provide for your family and yourself for the rest of your life. Getting an education will set up more opportunity in your future than you could imagine.

- Education is a privilege. There are many people who have cultures, circumstances and lives that do not make education available to them. Appreciate the opportunity to grow spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally as you move forward in your education. For me, my education has made me a better person and that's more valuable than anything this world can offer.

These 7 points are what have seen me to success in my secondary education. I firmly believe that if you apply these points to your education, you will find prosperity and fulfillment in your college journey. It will challenge, stress you out and you'll wanna abandon ship all the time. It is SO worth it. I am a better family member, spouse, colleague, employee and friend because I went to college.

The Truth About Married Life

We live in a society where marriage and family are frowned upon. In any sitcom or TV show, marriage is seen as a burden or being tied down. Many marriages portrayed in the media and unfortunately in reality as well, don't last. The man who decides to marry the love of his life is seen as the fool who ruins his chances of sleeping around. Movies now have plots that center around the wife going after an old flame and cheating on her husband. Married couples are seen as boring and mundane. Unhappy. In the world we live in, there is NOTHING special about marriage and that's what they want you want think. That't how the generation before us treated their marriages and now we have the chance to change this. I'm here to tell you that marriage is AMAZING. I have never had so much fun in my life or have been happier. This topic was actually my husband's idea. I asked him what I should write and he said to "tell everyone how fun and awesome being married is". Here are some of the best reasons why marriages is literally the best thing ever.

1. For me, it was so important that I married my best friend and I think this has a lot to do with success in a marriage. At the end of the day, will you enjoy eating dinner and watching Netflix with this person? Can you hold a good conversation? Is there a friendship behind the hormones and the intimacy? I can honestly say that if it were between my very best girlfriend or my husband, I would hang out with my husband. I love being married to T because he just gets me. He knows when I need space, he knows what to do when I'm stressed out, he knows my likes and dislikes and he knows what my motivations are. He knows me best. I love coming home to that kind of friendship. It's a companionship that you won't find anywhere else. You start to have inside jokes and find common interests. You form habits together and get in sync. Marriage is having a partner in life. A friendship that you promise each other for a lifetime.

2. I'm going to come out and say it, the sex. Making love to the person that you care most about is the best feeling in the world. I come from a culture where young people wait until they are married to have sexual relations of any kind and I treasured that. I believe it's what makes marriage so much fun. It allows you to get know your partner on such a deeper level and makes an emotional connection that you just can't put into words. It's something so special and sacred and yet so vital to marriage. So don't think that getting married kills your sex life. I will always think my husband is the most handsome and sexiest man ever. As my wise high school Spanish teacher once said, "It doesn't stop, it just gets better!"

3. Marriage is freedom. I know this sounds weird but I have been single, dating, engaged, and married. I have never felt more free to be myself, be an adult and make my own decisions until I married T. I don't know why but people tend to treat you differently once your married. They back off and let you do your own thing. The only person you are responsible to is your spouse and you make those decisions together. It has been so liberating for both me and my husband to create our own lives together and that's how it should be. If you don't feel like your family is giving you your space if you're already married, try setting boundaries. We've done that both up front and gradually in our situation and it's been so nice. We love being independent together and figuring things out.

4. Support. Support. Support. Being a single college student and trying to make it on my own just felt overwhelming at times and I felt so alone. It's the best thing in the world to have someone who will share your burdens and help you through those hard times. The financial side is great but it's the emotional and spiritual support that I'm talking about. Someone you can talk about your problems to, think out loud to, express yourself to. You don't have to make decisions alone anymore and with open communication, I believe any marriage can be the happiest times of your life. No matter if you're single or married, trials and adversity will come in life. Marriage is the best because you don't have to take on life on your own. You have someone there to share some of the weight.

5. Marriage is what you make of it. T and I promised each other that we would enjoy marriage and do whatever it takes to keep it that way. If you go into marriage thinking it's going to be miserable, then you're right. It's going to be a suckfest. So in order to make each other happy, you talk things out. You resolve your issues and throw away your pride. You take care of whatever obstacle is in the way of a happy marriage. Marriage itself is not what makes men unhappy, men makes marriage unhappy. I love marriage because it has taught me to choose to be happy and make someone else happy. It has taught me to be selfless and think of another before myself. It has made me feel more confident about myself and has helped me become a better version of myself. I love marriage because it makes me happy and I have the choice on whether I can make that happen or not.

It is so important to know that marriage is challenging but I think that we associate that word with unhappiness or that we won't enjoy that activity. I think back to my mission and how challenging that was but it was because it required more than just the bare minimum from me. It required some effort and change on my part. Marriage is the same way. It can require more than you have ever given and commitment to someone else. I love being married and I love my husband. No matter what the media or society may tell you, being married is the best thing ever! It's up to you to make it that way and put in the work!