Global Burdon of Disease, an international heath organization, conducted a study in over 91 countries with an average of 480,000 subjects in each case study. They found that 1 in 13 people in the world have anxiety, United States being the most anxious country in the world. And yet, most of the time it goes untreated. I think it's our culture. We have the attitude of "fake it til you make it" or "it's all in your head. Just be happy." It's been a little under a year since I was diagnosed with anxiety. I'm here to tell you it's real and not just in my head. It's not something that you can just think away. I thought I might tell my journey with my anxiety.
Looking back, I've always had little episodes of it. Since anxiety has such a variety in symptoms, it's so very different for each person. For me I start to obsess over a thought or create a situation in my head. That situation is usually super unrealistic and hasn't even happened yet. I over-analyze and assume all at the same time. Once that thought is in my head, I can't get it out. I think and analyze so much that it makes my stomach feel uneasy and I get nauseous. That feeling would be so strong that it overpowered my appetite or any motivation to do my daily tasks. I can sit in my room for hours and be lost in my own thoughts. My head literally feels like it's on fire. At one point it got so bad, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought that if I died, my mind would finally stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop obsessing.
When I was little, I remember obsessing on protecting my brother. I would have dreams about having to save him or something happening to him. I wouldn't stop thinking about his welfare and if something were to go wrong. When we would go back and forth between my parents house for visitation, I obsessed in knowing where he was. I think that's why I was so controlling and bossy with him. My anxiety didn't really hit until I got back from my mission. I felt and thought that I had to perfect in order to receive any blessings. So when I didn't read my scriptures, it would make me anxious. I would only go to church because not being obedient made me anxious. It's like the feeling of waiting to get your whooping once you know your mom know you did something bad. So every time I didn't make the perfect decision, I became anxious.
It wasn't until after I went to go visit my husband in New Zealand that it hit me like a wall. It wasn't even about him at first. It started with doubts about my religion and if the commandments were actually right. Then I doubted whether or not I actually existed or if there was life after death. I knew those were real because of my testimony but I still felt anxious about everything I knew. My anxiety then permanently latched on to my husband and mine's relationship. With divorce running thick in my family, I analyzed and made up situations in my head that involved him not wanting me. Any excuse to end the relationship, my mind obsessed over it. That's when I started having suicidal thoughts. My mind would tell me that I wasn't worth it and he didn't even want me. God had someone better for him who actually deserved being with him. I wouldn't eat or sleep. I constantly felt my heart racing and that I couldn't breathe. I'd have a constant headache and I would lay in bed all day just thinking about how undeserving I was in life. No matter what I did I could not get these thoughts or feelings to go away. It would leak into my faith, my work, my schooling and my relationships. According to my anxiety, I was undeserving in any area of my life.
In October I went and talked to my doctor. I was able to get on some medication and it helped out a little bit. I can honestly say it hasn't completely gone away. My next goal is to see a psychiatrist. I am so grateful for my husband and his support and patience through this rough patch in my life. It hasn't been as bad since I've gotten married but I have my bad days. I think that my husband and the medicine really helped so I could wait it out a bit and learn what was happening to me mentally. For those who also suffer from anxiety like me, there is hope. Anxiety has to do with behaviors and how we learn to handle situations. Here are some things that have helped with my anxiety:
1. Meditation: sometimes it's good to lay down, practice breathing and learn how to control your thoughts. I actually use an app called Calm Meditation. It does exercises with you to help you learn how to control your thoughts and how to calm yourself down. I usually use this when I start to feel anxious or I start to think too much. I like to wind down right before bed with this app as well since my anxiety keeps me up at night.
2. Talk it out: when you're stuck in your head and it's for a long time, it's good to say them out-loud. That person can bring you to reality and help you discern what's actually in your head and what's happening in real life. I am so grateful for my husband and my best friend Elide for lending an ear when I need to put my thoughts into words.
3. Know Your Anxiety: you have to know the signs of your anxiety what causes it. get to know your body. I always ask myself, "Is this me or is this my anxiety?" Know yourself enough to know when you need alone time, when you need to be with other people and when you need help outside yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to a mental health professional and your doctor.
4. Express Yourself: don't hold your fears, your concerns and your worries inside, no matter how unrealistic they may sound. Don't be afraid to tell people you are feeling anxious either. You're not going crazy and you're not loosing your mind. A lot of people have anxiety.
Anxiety is a real thing. You're not alone. I can tell you that things will get better. It did for me and it can for you. You are deserving of all the success you want in this life and more. If you feel like you might struggling with anxiety or even depression consult your doctor or health care professional. Anxiety does not define you and you can defeat it.
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