Shame and Guilt

Recently, while on Youtube I watched an interview between Ellen DeGeneres and the lead singer of Imagine Dragons. At the beginning of the interview he talks about his experience while he was attending BYU and how he was kicked out for having sex with his then girlfriend. He says, "I felt a bit of shame in my life over something I shouldn’t have been shamed about." In this post I would like to talk about the difference between guilt and shame, their effect and then draw from my own experience. Before we dive into this post, I want to state that he felt shame and guilt because he broke the Law of Chastity.

Guilt

I would first like to start off with a quote from Elder David A. Bednar where he says, "Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body—a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage." With that in mind we need to ask ourselves a couple of questions. First, who does guilt come from? What comes as a direct result from guilt?

Lds.org says, "as we strive to stay on the path that leads to eternal life, the Holy Ghost can guide us in our decisions and protect us from physical and spiritual danger." So if the Holy Ghost protects us from spiritual danger and guilt is a protection that is used to prevent us from causing further damage from sin then guilt comes from the Holy Ghost. If it comes from the Holy Ghost, then it comes from God Himself. For example, we are commanded that we do not partake in pornography. If I were to stumble across and start watching it, the Holy Ghost will give me a feeling of guilt. That could be a thought that you shouldn't be watching it, a pit in your stomach or an uneasy feeling. This is the Holy Ghost telling me that what we are doing is wrong and I should stop. He will continue to warn us until we stop listening! Guilt comes from God.

So then what are the effects of guilt? When you feel guilt and you listen that feeling, it triggers a sequence of events that may look similar to this. You can't get the bad feeling to go away because you know that what you did was wrong and the Holy Ghost is confirming that. Spiritual damage as been done and you need to heal. This guilt will lead you to pray, read your scriptures, talk to your parents or the best remedy, talk to your priesthood leaders. It will cause you to feel sorry for what you did and then renew your desire to do better. To be better. Guilt is the starting point to repenting and helps us to once again be worthy of the Holy Ghost. The results of guilt is positive.

Shame

We tend to think that guilt and shame are synonymous, when they never have been and never will be. For an example, I will us the story of Adam and Eve. God gave the two of them 2 commandments. The first was to multiply and replenish the earth and the second was not to partake of the fruit of the tree of good and evil. As the story goes, Eve partakes and so does Adam. Satan convinced them to break the commandments but the worst part is that he taught them to be ASHAMED. The conversation that takes place between Adam, Eve and Heavenly Father is as follows in Genesis3:8-13.

"8. And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.

9. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10. And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

11. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12. And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

13. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

From this story we can now answer the two previous questions. Who does shame come from? What are the effects of shame? We learn from Genesis that shame comes from SATAN! God asks Adam, "Who told you that ye were naked? To hide from me?" The effect of shame was the hiding, sewing the fig leaves and being afraid when hearing the voice of the Lord. Satan wants us to feel shame because it'll stop us from going to church because we don't feel worthy or good enough. He wants us to feel shame so that we are too embarrassed to talk with a priesthood leader. That they'll judge us and think differently of us, when in reality they just want to help. He wants us to feel shame so we don't read our scripture or talk with our parents. Shame stops us from doing what's right and progressing!

Personal Experience

My husband and I were supposed to get sealed in the temple over a year ago, on April 8, 2017. We had the date picked out and everything. His family was traveling across the world to attend along with all my family making the drive, the reception was to be right after and we even asked a member from my husband's mission to seal us in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. It wasn't until a couple weeks before that we finally had the courage to confess to both our bishops that we were not fully keeping our temple covenants and therefor we were not worthy to be sealed on the date everyone was planning on. We decided to get married anyways and had a civil ceremony. We had to tell our WHOLE family and everyone involved.

Fast forward to June 10, 2018 as we are interviewing with our Stake President, both worthy and able to attend the temple to be sealed July 3, 2018. Looking back on the past year and how hard we've worked, I've realized the role that both shame and guilt has played in our repentance process. Shame kept me from posting pictures of our civil ceremony of Facebook because I was too scared of what other members of the church would say. Shame is what caused my own grandmother to disown my husband and I. Shame is what kept me from enjoying church every Sunday as I heard these perfect BYU-I couples talk about their sealing. Shame is what embarrassed me when other members of the church asked what temple we were sealed in. Shame is what stopped me from even talking about my wedding day. Shame is what caused them to always say 'oh' with a weird look on their face and then awkwardly change the subject. Shame made me hesitate to attend the temple again. Shame self inflicted. Shame is culture. It is not what the LDS faith or the Savior teaches.

But guilt? Guilt is what lead me to set up an appointment with our bishop in the married ward to start our journey to the temple. Guilt is what stopped us from taking the sacrament until we fully repented. Guilt is what started our habits as a couple to pray and read our scriptures. Guilt is what told us to take the temple seriously and not get sealed in the first place unless we were worthy. To start off our marriage with trust, honesty and respect for the Lord. I am SO GRATEFUL for guilt and the path it started me and husband on. Guilt is the spirit protecting us from spiritual casualty and allows us to realign our lives with the will of God. 

The Take Away?

Do not put guilt and shame in the same pot to mix together. Both have different purposes and consequences. We should never make others feel ashamed either! That's what Satan does! And we should never make others feel guilty either, that's the Holy Ghost's job! We are to love all and aid each other on our own individual journeys back to God's presence. Let the Savior take both the guilt and the shame away. Let guilt be the starting point of your repentance process and let it go once you give it over to Jesus Christ.

xoxo, Madi

5 Ingredient Shepard’s Pie

Hey guys!!!

Check out my latest YouTube video on how to make a Shepard’s Pie with only 5 ingredients! You will need:

1. 2 lbs ground beef
2. 2 lbs frozen vegetables
3. Mozarella cheese
4. Instant mash potatoes
5. Salt & Pepper

Here’s the link! https://youtu.be/MPuPfTCM9aE

I hope you enjoy it!!! 💖💖💖

Xoxo, Madz

A Letter to Myself

Every morning I wake up and I teach twelve 14-18 year old high school students. Some really have a good head on their shoulders and seem to be in the right space. Others seem to have lost what my mom calls 'the sparkle" in their eyes. They seem lost, wandering and frankly remind me of myself when I was that age. Tonight I just can't seem to get all of them off my mind, especially that 14 or 17 year old Madi who had no idea what high school was going to bring. To her I write this letter.

Madison,

The next decade is going to be the best of times and the worst of times. Life is going to bend you until the point where you feel like you are going to snap. There are so many battles waiting for you. Some you will win gloriously and others will rock your world. If you could see where you are now, I think you'd be proud. A little surprised but for sure proud! I just want you to know that you made an amazing life for yourself and I'm determined to make a future we can be equally as proud of. You graduated, furthered your education, served a mission and married an outstanding man. Sorry, you didn't end up playing for the BYU women's volleyball team. You didn't play college ball at all and I apologize for not reaching that goal for the both of us! I know it was something you really wanted.

Stop being so self conscious. Don't listen to them. I want you to not listen to the kids at school who tease you. They'll give you crap about being Mormon, a lot. Boys will make inappropriate comments and bully you for being a virgin or being prude. You'll find a man who loves you for you and appreciates the special bond of being each other's one and only. Don't listen to the girls who make fun of your frizzy hair, you'll discover mousse and a diffuser. You get a lot of compliments! You're not fat. For goodness sake, you're a size 00. Need I say more?! And don't be self conscious about your small boobs. They'll tease you for that too. You're a late bloomer and you'll get the ones you want, naturally. Trust the process haha.

Most importantly, hold tight. Hold tight to the morals and precepts you were taught you whole life. Don't let stupid, mean high school kids take away the happiness they bring you. Your junior and senior year will be one of the hardest years of your life. Big changes and heartbreak are coming, but it's nothing you can't handle. Remember to say your prayers and read SOMETHING out of the Book of Mormon every day. Do that and the world won't seem like it's falling apart.. well not as much! Don't let the small mistakes lead you to make big ones. Repentance is a beautiful process and needs to be done quickly. See bishop right away! 

You are an incredibly strong and persistent young lady. You honestly can do anything you put your mind to. God loves you. Always remember, always that God is love.

You can do this!

Your future self

Democrat in a Conservative LDS Community

DISCLAIMER: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has no political affiliation whatsoever. It is neither conservative nor liberal nor does it hardly ever make any stance when it comes to political platform. If you do want to know the stance of the LDS church on any topic, they ALWAYS come out with an official press release. If you have questions, please consult with lds.org. This blog post is purely written from my own personal experiences with other members of the church along with members who share the same political beliefs as me within the church.

Let's go ahead and set the scene before I really go into this blog post by telling you about my upbringing. I was born and raised in Phoenix, AZ which has been a conservative state in every election except in 1996 since becoming part of the U.S in 1912. I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my whole life. My whole family is basically conservative (unless there are some closeted liberals I don't know about hahaha). If you asked me during the 2012 election which political party I associated with I would have said none but I leaned more to right. I would've regurgitated something I heard from my parents or something I saw on Fox News, as that was the only new station I really watched growing up besides the local news. I was taught that the worst thing you could be was a democrat in the way those around me talked about it and even people in my church growing up.

Now because of the teachings of the church and its doctrines, many members of the church tend to affiliate with right wing or the conservative side of the spectrum. And there is nothing wrong with that BUT I am sick and tired of being judged and persecuted in my own community for believing and thinking differently. I am going to get so much heat for this but I feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way and I want them to know they're not alone so here it goes:

1. I am not any less a disciple of Jesus Christ because I am more liberal in my view points. Stop sending me articles about people who are anti-Mormon converting to church, about repentance when leaving the church or returning to activity. I AM AN ACTIVE AND CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH AS MUCH AS YOU ARE. I keep my covenants, pay my tithing, attend the temple, partake of the sacrament and worship the same God as you. You and I have the same Heavenly Parents and Savior Jesus Christ. I love them as much as you do and maybe even more! Who really knows?! That's right no one and especially not you. You focus on your activity in the church, your relationship with God and your own salvation and I'll worry about mine. My salvation is not dependent on my political beliefs but on my obedience to the commandments and how I treat others.
2. "The world", "the adversary", "the devil", etc. is not interchangeable or synonymous with liberal or democrat. There are wicked men and women in ALL political parties who teach evil principles. Just because I am liberal does not mean I'm wicked or condone wickedness. Liberals do not exist to destroy righteousness and we are not the Great and Spacious building. We have not declared this imaginary holy war on all you hold dear and sacred, especially since mine are the same as yours!
3. Don't assume someone's reasons behind why they want certain legislation passed. I remember talking to another LDS liberal about the legalization of gay marriage and he sad, "I don't want the government to have that much power to define who loves who. It's not their place, it's God's."Here people assume that just because he wants equality for the LGBT community, he's a homo. When he states that he is pro-choice, he's automatically assigned the label 'baby killer'. When he states that he wants stricter gun laws, conservative members of the church assign the label "communist" or "fascist". When really all these stances he has taken is because he wants as little interference from the government as possible in the personal decisions of its citizens. In other words, he is pro-agency! He wants others to have the freedom to choose just like he would want that for himself.
4. Political beliefs are not church doctrine, so stop preaching them from the pulpit. Example: I was told from a high council member while attending a student ward at BYU-I that I would destroy the work of the Lord and His church if I voted democrat in anyway and he proceeded to tell the students how to vote. Trump is not ringing in the Second Coming nor is he doing God's work nor is he saving the world. That's all you, mingling the philosophies of men with scripture. If it doesn't come from the scriptures or directly from the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve, you are preaching false doctrine.
5. If your political beliefs fill you with hate for any human being, then they are not in line with the teachings of the gospel. I'm going to leave it at that and have you interpret that as you will.
I want to end by explaining why a Mormon might in fact, be a democrat.

1. The main reason why I vote democrat is because I believe in universal healthcare. There are just some things that should not be for profit and one of those things is good health. Now that I live in a country with universal healthcare, I'll never live in the States again. Solely for that reason. People who tell you that the American healthcare system is the only way and that other countries have people waiting in lines suffering or dying on some list, is lying to you. I have a chronic disease and I am seen IMMEDIATELY. I have lived it and America's healthcare system preys on the sick and takes advantage of them.

2. I'm pro-choice because women NEED the right to make their own healthcare decisions independent of the government. No one is pro-abortion. Do I think that an abortion is morally wrong? Absolutely. Is it a form of birth control? Absolutely not. But it's not up to me what another woman chooses to do with her body and child. And for that matter I LOVE PLANNED PARENTHOOD! Abortions are not the only things they do! Pelvic exams, free STD testing, free pregnancy testing, affordable birth control etc. Either way, women will find a way to terminate a pregnancy. I would give 100% of my taxes to provide a low-income woman basic healthcare and that's what they do! (these facts come from their website at plannedparenthood.org)

3. Welfare. I heard the same conservative story. They saw someone on their iPhones texting with their fresh manicure wearing name brand clothes while using their food stamp card in line at Walmart. Just so you know, you just witnessed a very small percentage. Right wing politicians want to make tax cuts to welfare but 45% of welfare recipients are children in the system under the age of 18, 9% goes to the elderly over the age of 60 and 10% goes to disabled adults. That makes a collective of 74%!!! People who literally cannot work or provide for themselves. Let me ask you this... Did Jesus Christ ever turn someone away because of the way they were dressed? Whether too rich or poor? No. He commanded me and you to ALWAYS give to the poor. Let God do the judging. He's the only one who knows the whole story. (https://fns-prod.azureedge.net/sites/default/files/2012Characteristics.pdf)

4. I believe in stricter guns laws. No citizen should own a gun such as an AR-15. Some say it's a God given right and to you I ask, where does it say that in the scriptures? Conference talks? I couldn't find it anywhere. If you find, let me know. I'm not afraid of being wrong. In all honesty, if it was a God given right, he wouldn't given Adam an assault rifle from the beginning. Bottom line, the government would've have nuked us all a long time ago if it really wanted to get rid of us and guns that are meant for war, should stay there. I live in a country currently where they have strict guns laws. My father-in-law owns a gun. And they haven't had a mass killing since 1990.

5. I'm an isolationist when it comes to foreign policy. I loved that Obama pulled the troops out of the middle east and ended the "War on Terror". The most vague and useless war ever, right after the Vietnam and Korean war. It is my opinion, that any war after World War 2 has only been because some old guys up in Washington saw them useful for election. Thanks goodness them baby-boomers got rid of the draft or who knows what wars we would've been forced to fight since then!





That's my 2 cents. My opinion. Take it or leave it. That's why I'm a Democrat and can be as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Not the Church of Trump of Latter-day Saints or the Church of Jesus Christ of Conservative Saints. Yeah, I'm little defensive but enough is enough dude. Stop taking my political beliefs so personally and can we all just work to get to the Celestial kingdom together. I'll vote how I want and you vote how you want. Let's discuss this in a respectful, educated and calm manner. To my conservative friends, I love ya'll. You're what makes this nation great, along with us Democrats.

Dunedin Vlog

Hey guys! Go ahead and click here to see our latest vlog! ---> Dunedin Vlog

Here are some updates that we have for everyone about what's going on in our lives:

• MY VISA CAME IN!!!! Yay! I only got approved for 6 months tho because we need to prove that we are established here. All my documents were leases from our apartments in the States along with my tax return and stuff. But at least I can stay a little longer stress free! I think I'm just going to apply for my residency tho!
• My skin is doing the best it has on steroids but the moon face and the weight gain has been at its worst. Hopefully it will go away but I doubt it! Excited to see the dermatologist when he comes to the clinic.
• We absolutely love it here and the culture that New Zealand has to offer. The people are so genuine. Everyone is just out to be happy and live the good life
• The scenery and climate rocks. Whether you prefer the mountains, ocean, hills, plains, cold, warm, rainy, sunny etc. New Zealand is perfect for everyone!
• We really have enjoyed just getting in our car and going on drives. There is so much to see here with all the different terrains this country has. It's nice because I haven't seen any of it and it's fun for T to discover new places he hasn't been.
• Teaching seminary is going really good! The kids we teach are awesome! Everyone is learning a bunch of new things about the Book of Mormon.
• T and I got our new phones finally. T got the iPhone 8 and I got the same but the plus. I freakin love it so much. Our latest vlog was all done my iPhone including the filming, editing and uploading. It is so easy! I'm in love!

This weekend we went down and spent Friday-Tuesday down in Dunedin at our parent's house. We shopped a little because my little sister's birthday is this month. I'm trying to get her package out by tomorrow or Thursday! We always spend a lot of money on food in Dunedin because there are so many good restaurants. I haven't found a place where I didn't enjoy the food. Watch our vlog to see the beautiful Dunedin and Portabello, New Zealand

Xoxo, Madz

Save He Shall Prepare a Way.. Mercifully

This might sound a little messed up but  I used to look at my struggles and observed other's who dealt with health issues with envy. I was always thought, "well, at least they know that their battle will always be the same" or "At least they don't have to go thru what I'm going and just has to take medicine to feel better" or "They have it easy, health issues you can just go see a doctor and he will make everything better. I'm over here dealing with this and this. A doctor can't cure me of that!"

Talk about prideful. I guess the Lord decided to teach me a lesson or two! Back in September 2017, my eyes began to itch and I mean ITCH. They would water all the time, burn and I always felt like there were thorns underneath my eyelids. After a month, I went to the doctor and he prescribed some antibiotic eye drops. Within 48 hours my face looked like this:

After that my skin was never the same. I went to a dermatologist who put me on steroids for 5 weeks and my skin still persisted. I simplified all my products to be soap free, dye free, basically everything free. They did an allergy patch test on my back that came back positive for some things that irritated my skin and I eliminated those. Still my skin began to worsen. By the time we moved to New Zealand, the rash had completely spread from being on my scalp all the way down to some parts of my knees and calves. Once again, I was put on steroids and was told that it was something else and we'll have to see what my skin will do after round 2. Two weeks ago, I got off round 2 of steroids and it came back to be the worst it's ever been. I am currently on round 3 of steroids, and once again my skin has cleared up ALMOST completely. Finally, the doctor told us that I've developed chronic non-IgE mediated urticaria. An autoimmune skin condition where my immune system turns on itself and manifests through skin hives, rashes, ezcema, dry skin, you name it and I've had it.

During the process, I've gained 20lbs (side-affect of being on steroids), spent thousands of dollars on doctor's visits, creams, ointments, medication, emergency room visits, etc. and hours and hours lotioning my body with creams, ointments, or treatments. Imagine your skin being so dry and tight that it feels like its going to rip open. Ever had an itchy ant bite? Imagine that from your head to your knees. It's a literal race when I get out of the shower to moisturize within 3 minutes before my skin dries. Showering burns, sweating burns, going anywhere for more than an hour or two burns since lotions/ointments don't last very long. Shopping for shampoo, soaps, foods, drinks etc. has made me borderline paranoid as I am scared to buy something that might trigger another allergic reaction. I've tried dairy, gluten-free, vegan, elimination diets etc. Nothing has worked.

I've prayed to God and Jesus Christ to heal me or not make it so bad or just don't let it spread to this part of my body or just make it so it's not itchy and painful. There have been times when I have given up hope and there have been times where I have been filled with nothing but hope. I've asked "why me?" and "what do I need to learn from this?" I've received blessings, pleaded with the Lord, fasted, listened, cried, prayed some more. There have been times in the last 6 months where I have hit rock bottom and thought "It would be better off if I wasn't alive. It would be less painful than this." 

I don't list these things to get sympathy but to demonstrate how a health issue can completely alter and change your lifestyle forever. All the while, trying to be a good wife, friend, coworker, daughter etc. Honestly, these have been the HARDEST 6 months of my life and some of ya'll do it for almost a lifetime! And I admire you so much.

As I stated before, I felt like nothing had worked. This skin condition has even had me questioning my faith in God and if He really is there. I got called as a stake seminary teacher and I thought, "How the hell am I suppose to teach these kids about God, when I don't even feel Him here anymore?" Then last night, as I was reading in the Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi Chapters 12-13 talk about God and how merciful He is with His children. Then I pondered the word MERCY. 1 Chronicles 16:34 states

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever."

And that scripture made me think back on the last 6 months and of all the times that the Lord has shown mercy. My visa is taking longer than usual but it's allowed me to get my health in order. I have felt my best and my skin has felt it's best when I'm studying or teaching in seminary. We have always had the money to pay for everything that has come with my condition. While watching YouTube, I found the new videos the church put out in the series "His Grace." I can't even tell you the mercy that God has shown thru my husband. I have never in my life been as fat, rashy or moody in my whole entire life and yet because of my husband, I've never felt sexier. I have gained an appreciation for health, wellness, exercise and taking care of my body. I CANNOT wait to start exercising when this skin thing is under control. God has made sure that I have had little moments of peace and joy, just to keep me going. It's enough just so I can recognize Him because He knows me so well.

I've learned that life is hard for everyone. Whether you struggle with physical health issues, mental health issues, addiction, poverty, prejudice, family matters etc., they all have the same opportunity to mold you into someone you are meant to be. With God, He'll help you get there. 

1 Nephi 3:7, "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."