In Your Own Amazing Way

    Today we watched Finding Dory and something stood out to me that her mom said to her when she found them. As Dory tries to apologize for loosing them Dory says, "I know I've got a problem. I know I'm...And I'm so sorry. And all this time I've wanted to fix it and I can't and I try. I try. But my thoughts... they leave my head and ideas change. And I'd forgotten you and I'm so sorry." Dory has short-term memory loss and forgets very easily. It's a weakness she has and will have. In response her mom tells her to never apologize and points out that Dory found them all by herself. She responds to Dory by saying, "And you found us. Oh honey, you found us. And you know why you found us? Because you remembered. You remembered in your own, amazing, Dory way."

   I imagine our reunion with God with be something like this. We are all in Dory's situation where we have forgotten who we are and we're just trying to find our way home. Find our way to Heavenly Father. He knows that we have our own weaknesses, our pride and things that we individually struggle with. And when we fall before His feet begging for mercy, Christ will say "You found us because you remembered. You remembered in your own, amazing, Madi way."

   In President Uchtdorf's general conference talk this month he states, "Turn your soul toward the light. Begin your own wonderful journey home. As you do so, your life will be better, happier, and more purposeful" God is calling us and just like Dory's parents laid out shells, He has also prepared a way for us to find him. We can follow His prophet's words, read the scriptures, pray, participate weekly in the sacrament, attend the temple, etc. Each journey will different, and that's the beauty of it. I'm grateful for the shells Heavenly Father has laid out for me so that I can find Him in my "own amazing, Madi way."

18 Holy Months

For the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one of the highlights of life is going on a mission. During this period you dedicate all your time and energy to sharing a message that has brought peace and hope into your life.  For 2 years for boys and 1.5 for girls, you don't go to school or have a job. You only communicate with your family once a week through email and you completely change your lifestyle plane to fit that of a monk almost. Nothing but uplifting and calm music. No Facebook. No media. Your focus is purely on others. This week it will be two whole years since I have returned from my time as a missionary and going was the best decision I could have ever made for my life and my eternity. Here are some things that my mission has influenced greatly:

1. My work ethic. I can honestly and 100% say that I can work with anyone. As a missionary you're paired up with a companion that is with you 24/7. You also had to work with Stake leader, Ward leaders and Mission leaders. I would visit people of a different culture than mine since I taught the gospel in Spanish. I visited Jehovah's witnesses, Buddhists and Atheists. I even visited people who absolutely despised me and spat on me for what I believed in. With all these different people, came along their different beliefs (even in the church), and I had to learn how to work towards a common goal or have the patience to always have a smile on my face. I guarantee I would not have been as successful in the workplace as I am if it were not for my mission and the people I worked with.
2. The importance of quality relationships. If there was one thing I learned on my mission it was that I could NOT return to God without the people He places in my life. Whether it was my best friend Olivia, my coworkers or professors or even the people who I don't like to be honest hahaha. I learn something from each person in order to make me who God wants me to be. It taught me to value other people and the potential each relationship can have.
3. It placed the gospel first and helped me set that goal for the rest of my life. Every single day I taught people about God and for 18 months I saw the changes that He made in their lives. They were happier and always seemed to have a glow about them the more the learned about Him and applied His commandments in their lives. I myself felt the power of living the gospel and having the companionship of the Spirit. I made a promise to myself and God that I would never do anything to jeopardize that feeling. Now, I have failed a couple times, but in those moments I have been able to have that desire to do whatever it takes to get back to that feeling. I'm grateful for the perspective.

I am ETERNALLY grateful for the people of West Valley City, UT. For all my companions, other missionaries, leaders both mission and local, and all the people that let me into their home. My life has forever been influenced by your love, your food and the Latino culture. There will always be a special place in my heart for those I am in contact with on my mission. Most importantly, I want to thank my Heavenly Father for putting so much trust in me to be one of His representatives. Because of my mission I have an incredibly handsome, kind, loving, forgiving and righteous husband. We both can thank our missions for our happy marriage and lovely home. And I can say that because of my mission, I know and love my Savior Jesus Christ and understand His role in my life better than I ever could have without it. Because of my mission, the past 2 years and the years to come with be the best years yet!

"And They Cast Their Eyes"

Today I was reading in 1 Nephi 8. In this chapter, the prophet Lehi shares a dream he had from God and tells this experience to his sons. The dream starts off where he is visited by an angel and is asked to follow. The angel leads him to what he calls a "dark and dreary waste". At this point the angel has left and Lehi begins wonder because he has found himself lost. After a couple days of wondering around, he decides to pray to God for guidance and mercy. God then shows him this huge field and in the distance, he sees a tree with some fruit on it. But it's not just any fruit, he describes it as a fruit, "desirable to make one happy... sweet above all that [he] had before tasted..." And when he finally took a bite, "it filled [his] soul with exceedingly great joy."

Just like in the Bible with Joseph, Lehi's dream is symbolic. In the Book of Mormon, the Tree of Life (the tree that Lehi saw) represents the love of God and the fruit that Lehi eats symbolizes the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The dream continues on where Lehi is standing underneath the tree and looking out. He sees crowds and crowds of people holding on to this iron rod, that leads them to the Tree of Life. This is supposed to be representative of the Word of God or the scriptures and modern day revelation of prophets and apostles. When the people arrive, they partake of the same fruit and feel the same happiness. They feel the love of God and the cleansing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. They know what true happiness tastes like. Lehi notices that they start to look around "as if they were ashamed". And because they looked around, they saw others in a building far off mocking those who were eating the fruit and standing by the tree.

Moral of the story? Don't cast your eyes.

1 Nephi 8:25,28 "And after they had partaken of the fruit, they did cast their eyes about... And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost."

The people who cast their eyes could be anyone of us. I feel myself at time looking around. I look to other sources to find happiness like money to pay off debts, a new eye shadow palette from Sephora, or new clothes. I think "I'll be happier once we're out of Rexburg or once I have the career I want or when I graduate". I compare and cast my eyes to those who don't share the same standards or beliefs at me thinking they have WAY more fun than I do. I cast my eyes to other families who are in a better financial situation or seem to have it all figured out. I too find my self wondering from the tree and getting lost. I loose the vision that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is supposed to give us all. I am so guilty.

I love this story because it teaches us what true happiness is. It's God's love. John 3:16 , "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." I don't know about you, but everlasting life seems like the grand prize. He is the fruit! So if you believe in Him, you know follow His commandments and try to be like Him, you have IT ALL!

Lehi and his dream made me realize just how blessed I am. I have a husband who absolutely adores me, a cute cat, a family who loves me and supports me, a roof over my head, a good job, the opportunity for education, a running car, and most importantly the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What more could a girl ask for? What's the point of casting my eyes when I have the fruit in my hands? It's about time I started focusing on things that actually matter.

My Anxiety Story

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. It's checking your bank account over and over and over even though you know how much you have in it. It's feeling like your husband doesn't love you even though he married you and tells or shows you every day. It's skipping meals because you're nervous you'll start gaining weight again or your pants are getting a little tighter. It's not sleeping because you have this constant feeling that something bad is going to happen or go wrong. It's racing thoughts, trouble breathing, and migraines. Anxiety is a lot of things and it's more common than you think.

Global Burdon of Disease, an international heath organization, conducted a study in over 91 countries with an average of 480,000 subjects in each case study. They found that 1 in 13 people in the world have anxiety, United States being the most anxious country in the world. And yet, most of the time it goes untreated. I think it's our culture. We have the attitude of "fake it til you make it" or "it's all in your head. Just be happy." It's been a little under a year since I was diagnosed with anxiety. I'm here to tell you it's real and not just in my head. It's not something that you can just think away. I thought I might tell my journey with my anxiety.

Looking back, I've always had little episodes of it. Since anxiety has such a variety in symptoms, it's so very different for each person. For me I start to obsess over a thought or create a situation in my head. That situation is usually super unrealistic and hasn't even happened yet. I over-analyze and assume all at the same time. Once that thought is in my head, I can't get it out. I think and analyze so much that it makes my stomach feel uneasy and I get nauseous. That feeling would be so strong that it overpowered my appetite or any motivation to do my daily tasks. I can sit in my room for hours and be lost in my own thoughts. My head literally feels like it's on fire. At one point it got so bad, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought that if I died, my mind would finally stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop obsessing. 

When I was little, I remember obsessing on protecting my brother. I would have dreams about having to save him or something happening to him. I wouldn't stop thinking about his welfare and if something were to go wrong. When we would go back and forth between my parents house for visitation, I obsessed in knowing where he was. I think that's why I was so controlling and bossy with him. My anxiety didn't really hit until I got back from my mission. I felt and thought that I had to perfect in order to receive any blessings. So when I didn't read my scriptures, it would make me anxious. I would only go to church because not being obedient made me anxious. It's like the feeling of waiting to get your whooping once you know your mom know you did something bad. So every time I didn't make the perfect decision, I became anxious.

It wasn't until after I went to go visit my husband in New Zealand that it hit me like a wall. It wasn't even about him at first. It started with doubts about my religion and if the commandments were actually right. Then I doubted whether or not I actually existed or if there was life after death. I knew those were real because of my testimony but I still felt anxious about everything I knew. My anxiety then permanently latched on to my husband and mine's relationship. With divorce running thick in my family, I analyzed and made up situations in my head that involved him not wanting me. Any excuse to end the relationship, my mind obsessed over it. That's when I started having suicidal thoughts. My mind would tell me that I wasn't worth it and he didn't even want me. God had someone better for him who actually deserved being with him. I wouldn't eat or sleep. I constantly felt my heart racing and that I couldn't breathe. I'd have a constant headache and I would lay in bed all day just thinking about how undeserving I was in life. No matter what I did I could not get these thoughts or feelings to go away. It would leak into my faith, my work, my schooling and my relationships. According to my anxiety, I was undeserving in any area of my life.

In October I went and talked to my doctor. I was able to get on some medication and it helped out a little bit. I can honestly say it hasn't completely gone away. My next goal is to see a psychiatrist. I am so grateful for my husband and his support and patience through this rough patch in my life. It hasn't been as bad since I've gotten married but I have my bad days. I think that my husband and the medicine really helped so I could wait it out a bit and learn what was happening to me mentally. For those who also suffer from anxiety like me, there is hope. Anxiety has to do with behaviors and how we learn to handle situations. Here are some things that have helped with my anxiety:

1. Meditation: sometimes it's good to lay down, practice breathing and learn how to control your thoughts. I actually use an app called Calm Meditation. It does exercises with you to help you learn how to control your thoughts and how to calm yourself down. I usually use this when I start to feel anxious or I start to think too much. I like to wind down right before bed with this app as well since my anxiety keeps me up at night.

2. Talk it out: when you're stuck in your head and it's for a long time, it's good to say them out-loud. That person can bring you to reality and help you discern what's actually in your head and what's happening in real life. I am so grateful for my husband and my best friend Elide for lending an ear when I need to put my thoughts into words.

3. Know Your Anxiety: you have to know the signs of your anxiety what causes it. get to know your body. I always ask myself, "Is this me or is this my anxiety?" Know yourself enough to know when you need alone time, when you need to be with other people and when you need help outside yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to a mental health professional and your doctor.

4. Express Yourself: don't hold your fears, your concerns and your worries inside, no matter how unrealistic they may sound. Don't be afraid to tell people you are feeling anxious either. You're not going crazy and you're not loosing your mind. A lot of people have anxiety.

Anxiety is a real thing. You're not alone. I can tell you that things will get better. It did for me and it can for you. You are deserving of all the success you want in this life and more. If you feel like you might struggling with anxiety or even depression consult your doctor or health care professional. Anxiety does not define you and you can defeat it.

Tips For The College Student

If you think you have to be super smart to be successful in college, you're wrong. Anyone can rock college. It's all about habits and good decisions. Here are some tips and tricks to help you find triumph the next however long you have at University.

- The best advice my dad ever gave me was to treat school like a job. If you want to keep your job you show up on time, get your projects done by the due date and you never miss a day of work unless you really have to. I can honestly count on one hand how many times I have actually missed class. It is so important to go to class because most professors test you on what they say during the lecture than what is on their PowerPoints. Plus, going to class helps you to take it more seriously and keep track of your assignments.

- Get organized. The classes that I didn't get as good of grades in, are the ones where I forgot assignments or didn't stay on top of the class schedule. I usually get a planner and write down all the major assignments for the semester. Then the Sunday at the beginning of each week I write down the little homework assignments due in between all the projects and papers. Writing down things and keeping a schedule helps you get in a rhythm. It also helps with my anxiety. Because I know that I have everything in my planner, once I'm done I check it off and I no longer have to think about it.

- Have your priorities in line. My rule is work during the week and then I can play all weekend. The occasional going out with friends on a Tuesday or Wednesday night is fine but I always do most of my work on weekdays. Majority of the assignments I've missed have been on the weekends. I would try to get all your school work done Thursday or Friday. If you have plans that weekend or are going out of town, don't expect yourself to do it during your trip. Just plan ahead and get it done. If your friends wanna go out but you haven't studied for a test yet, put your test first. After you graduate, you'll be able to relax more and have more free time. Bust it out now and you'll be rewarded later.

- When you feel overwhelmed in a class or not matter how hard you work you get bad grades, don't be afraid to see a tutor. You may be the smartest kid in the world but some professors just don't communicate what they are looking for. See a TA for what the professor is really grading on and what you should focus on when studying or writing your essays. Don't let your grade get to the point where you can't recover it. You can always tell in the first 3 weeks whether the class is going to be easy or hard for you. As soon as you feel like you can't do it on your own, schedule an appointment with the class TA or tutor.

- It's okay to not have your major figured out in the first or second semester. The general classes are there to help you explore and find your passion. Take the time to get to know what you are interested in, do job searches and see what suites your future. I thought I was going to be a nurse and then I took a World Foundations class that taught about world religions and cultures. I changed my major to International Studies after that class. Don't stress about it. You'll figure it out.

- Student debt is not a bad thing. Think of your education as an investment. Through your education you'll get the career you want with a steady salary, more money and stable finances. It will provide for your family and yourself for the rest of your life. Getting an education will set up more opportunity in your future than you could imagine.

- Education is a privilege. There are many people who have cultures, circumstances and lives that do not make education available to them. Appreciate the opportunity to grow spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally as you move forward in your education. For me, my education has made me a better person and that's more valuable than anything this world can offer.

These 7 points are what have seen me to success in my secondary education. I firmly believe that if you apply these points to your education, you will find prosperity and fulfillment in your college journey. It will challenge, stress you out and you'll wanna abandon ship all the time. It is SO worth it. I am a better family member, spouse, colleague, employee and friend because I went to college.

The Truth About Married Life

We live in a society where marriage and family are frowned upon. In any sitcom or TV show, marriage is seen as a burden or being tied down. Many marriages portrayed in the media and unfortunately in reality as well, don't last. The man who decides to marry the love of his life is seen as the fool who ruins his chances of sleeping around. Movies now have plots that center around the wife going after an old flame and cheating on her husband. Married couples are seen as boring and mundane. Unhappy. In the world we live in, there is NOTHING special about marriage and that's what they want you want think. That't how the generation before us treated their marriages and now we have the chance to change this. I'm here to tell you that marriage is AMAZING. I have never had so much fun in my life or have been happier. This topic was actually my husband's idea. I asked him what I should write and he said to "tell everyone how fun and awesome being married is". Here are some of the best reasons why marriages is literally the best thing ever.

1. For me, it was so important that I married my best friend and I think this has a lot to do with success in a marriage. At the end of the day, will you enjoy eating dinner and watching Netflix with this person? Can you hold a good conversation? Is there a friendship behind the hormones and the intimacy? I can honestly say that if it were between my very best girlfriend or my husband, I would hang out with my husband. I love being married to T because he just gets me. He knows when I need space, he knows what to do when I'm stressed out, he knows my likes and dislikes and he knows what my motivations are. He knows me best. I love coming home to that kind of friendship. It's a companionship that you won't find anywhere else. You start to have inside jokes and find common interests. You form habits together and get in sync. Marriage is having a partner in life. A friendship that you promise each other for a lifetime.

2. I'm going to come out and say it, the sex. Making love to the person that you care most about is the best feeling in the world. I come from a culture where young people wait until they are married to have sexual relations of any kind and I treasured that. I believe it's what makes marriage so much fun. It allows you to get know your partner on such a deeper level and makes an emotional connection that you just can't put into words. It's something so special and sacred and yet so vital to marriage. So don't think that getting married kills your sex life. I will always think my husband is the most handsome and sexiest man ever. As my wise high school Spanish teacher once said, "It doesn't stop, it just gets better!"

3. Marriage is freedom. I know this sounds weird but I have been single, dating, engaged, and married. I have never felt more free to be myself, be an adult and make my own decisions until I married T. I don't know why but people tend to treat you differently once your married. They back off and let you do your own thing. The only person you are responsible to is your spouse and you make those decisions together. It has been so liberating for both me and my husband to create our own lives together and that's how it should be. If you don't feel like your family is giving you your space if you're already married, try setting boundaries. We've done that both up front and gradually in our situation and it's been so nice. We love being independent together and figuring things out.

4. Support. Support. Support. Being a single college student and trying to make it on my own just felt overwhelming at times and I felt so alone. It's the best thing in the world to have someone who will share your burdens and help you through those hard times. The financial side is great but it's the emotional and spiritual support that I'm talking about. Someone you can talk about your problems to, think out loud to, express yourself to. You don't have to make decisions alone anymore and with open communication, I believe any marriage can be the happiest times of your life. No matter if you're single or married, trials and adversity will come in life. Marriage is the best because you don't have to take on life on your own. You have someone there to share some of the weight.

5. Marriage is what you make of it. T and I promised each other that we would enjoy marriage and do whatever it takes to keep it that way. If you go into marriage thinking it's going to be miserable, then you're right. It's going to be a suckfest. So in order to make each other happy, you talk things out. You resolve your issues and throw away your pride. You take care of whatever obstacle is in the way of a happy marriage. Marriage itself is not what makes men unhappy, men makes marriage unhappy. I love marriage because it has taught me to choose to be happy and make someone else happy. It has taught me to be selfless and think of another before myself. It has made me feel more confident about myself and has helped me become a better version of myself. I love marriage because it makes me happy and I have the choice on whether I can make that happen or not.

It is so important to know that marriage is challenging but I think that we associate that word with unhappiness or that we won't enjoy that activity. I think back to my mission and how challenging that was but it was because it required more than just the bare minimum from me. It required some effort and change on my part. Marriage is the same way. It can require more than you have ever given and commitment to someone else. I love being married and I love my husband. No matter what the media or society may tell you, being married is the best thing ever! It's up to you to make it that way and put in the work!

Why BYU-Idaho Isn't For Me

DISCLAIMER: This post is purely opinion and is based on personal experiences. In no way is this meant to tear down the purpose and good that BYU-I has done in so many lives. It's a good education at an affordable price. I'm grateful for the tithe payers and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for making getting a college education easier at a reasonable cost. If you are absolutely in love with the University, then don't read this. I'm going to be 100% honest because this is a review post. You will get offended lol. This is all based on my experience and how they have behaved with me.

When you are applying for college, you don't really know what you are getting into. Each campus has a culture, a way of doing things and the environment that the University creates. I wish that I had a blog post that I could have read before I came up to BYU-Idaho telling me what it was like and giving me a heads up so I could prepare myself. Just a little background on me: I'm a Junior majoring in International Studies. I've taken both all online classes, on campus classes and a mixture of both. I've been single, dating, engaged and married as a student. I've worked part time and gone to school full-time since I started my college education. I've done it all! Here are some things I wish someone told me before going to BYU-I

1. Religion is mixed and mingled with your secular education. Professors relate the class curriculum to gospel principles and compare truths. Depending on your preferences, you may be the kind of person that doesn't want a church or religious bias in your education. You are graded if you do or do not read your scriptures in your Book of Mormon class and you loose your Ecclesiastical Endorsement if you don't go to church. This could be a good thing and it could be a bad thing. If you don't like being forced activity in the church, then maybe you should consider another school. Keep in mind that this is a private Mormon University so they have a lot of freedoms with combining religion and education.

2. There is no student life. It is a really small town, in a family community, in the middle of nowhere. The population 27,094 and over 14,000 of those people are college students. There are no major stores like Target. They just barely got a normal sized Walmart this past year. The only activities I have heard about are stake dances which are EXACTLY like the ones you attended in high school. The activities put on by the University are religious seminars as well. There are no frats or sororities or week events like in other colleges. There are no sports teams and the only University events are religious seminars.  You have a midnight curfew, except on Fridays where you have to be in your apartment by 1 am. There are a couple of hikes or you can drive to another city to do something. The closest mall is 40 minutes away. I come from a big city and so Rexburg is very dull to me. Keep in mind that there's not much of student life and stuff to do in the actual city. It's tiny.

3. Expect a culture that you have never experienced before and nothing can compare to it. BYU-I is a little bubble in the middle of nowhere. Students and faculty over the last decade have created their own little world. There is no diversity other than a handful of foreign students from other countries. Dating and marriage will be brought up every class period and pounded into your brain until you're married or graduated. Devotionals somehow become a requirement for exaltation. I respect and understand the Honor Code but I don't see how having a beard or wearing shorts on campus is going to stop you from being a better disciple and student. This, in my opinion, cause the faculty and students to have a "holier than thou" attitudes. Can I just bring up that mustaches are okay? I feel like a well groomed beard is way more professional then having the young men walk around looking like Pedo-Pete with the caterpillar over their top lip. Roommates have to make sure that each other is living the Honor Code so that can make things SO awkward. You either feel like you're being judged or your mom if you have to keep getting on them. If you don't like adding rules on top of the commandments of the gospel, then another University would be more for you. Keep in mind that BYU-I has implemented its own rules and culture.

4.  Basically everything is student ran. Want support and advice on what to do for an internship? A student will help you with that. Want to pick classes and know what to take for your degree? Your councilor is actually a fellow student. Want to know who's processing and handling your financial aid and scholarships? Some 18 or 19 year old student. My husband had a TA as a tutor who had no previous tutoring experience or a desire to even be a tutor. He hates tutoring now. There hasn't been a single semester where the financial aid office has gotten it right and they are super hard to get a hold of. This semester over 50% of the student body didn't have their financial aid before payment deadlines. They have cut pmajor and minors without telling students. The international department sent my husband's visa paperwork 10 days late and have lost his visa twice. Rexburg is too small to try and support 14,000 college students. There are NO jobs so the university has to make up for it. I appreciate that they provide more jobs on campus but I would like a trained professional to handle my money or my husband's legal documents. The intentions are there but the application is not efficient or professional. At times I have felt that I'm attending an activity organized by a YSA ward than an accredited University. Keep in mind that every department is ran by a student just like you.

BYU-Idaho is a great place to be. I have had amazing experiences with quality professors who I felt I could trust and confide in. If you have a chance, take World Foundations 101 from Ms. Gee. She is awesome! Even though I would rather do this on my own, I love that the university teaches that your education is a tool in being a better disciple leader and that all knowledge testifies of the Plan of Salvation. I have had some amazing roommates who have become my dearest friends and taught me many valuable life lessons. The purpose and intention of the University is there but the application and efficiency is lacking. The culture, the state of Idaho and BYU-I just wasn't my cup of tea! I suggest that you do a lot of research and actually visit the campus. Ask students how they feel about their experience so far. Good luck on your search for your college education! I hope this article proves useful!

"You Don't Have to Be Perfect to Be Worthy"

  I work at a call center and when we start to run out of people to call or it gets slow, coworkers discuss a lot of things. Sometimes we vent about the job and the rude people on the phone or the frustration we have with the financial aid office at BYU-I, but today it was different. We actually talked about some deep stuff! Since I study and work in Rexburg, Idaho, 98% of the population is LDS and since it's a college town most of my coworkers are my age. A majority of the meaningful discussions we have are actually about the gospel and our own personal journeys to where we ended up that day.

  Today we had a long discussion about how we knew if we made the right choice or if we are leading a life God wants us to live. Some of it was whether it was going on a mission, marrying the right eternal companion or what major you decided to pick. There was something that I noticed about each story that we all had in common. We were all waiting to have the perfect answer and we felt like we weren't receiving it because we weren't perfect or our situation wasn't the ideal. I feel like this is more common than just within the LDS employees at a calling agency. It's a church wide mentality and I noticed that it was a driving force in why a lot of the inactive members I taught on my mission lost their way. No matter what they did, they felt like it was never to be good enough. It makes sense because our doctrine teaches that perfection is in fact a goal and there is always something that we can improve on. In no way am I dissing on this doctrine or disagreeing with it, I think it is a marvelous goal. As a natural reaction though, being human and imperfect, we may all feel as though we have to obtain perfection in order to earn what we want or what God wants for us.

  This is something that I struggle with and I think it's something that I taught myself on my mission. You know we are always told that you have to be an obedient missionary in order to see miracles or get a baptism. I always felt that the cancelled baptism from an investigator or a less active not showing up to church was because I wasn't a perfect missionary that transfer. Looking back I realize that it was their agency and I did try my very best to follow all the rules I needed to follow. One thing I failed to learn on my mission was even though I could be 100% perfect in all I do, life will never be be perfect. I mean look at Our Savior Jesus Christ. He did absolutely everything He could. He WAS and IS the only perfect being to ever come to this earth and life for him ended in betrayal. It ended in lashings and being hung on a cross. But because He was obedient AND the Son of God, He also rose in glory the third day, being the first ever to do so.

  The point of this post is to tell you that your best is good enough, although not perfect, it is good enough for the Savior and for our Heavenly Father. Some days you won't have the desire to go to church. Some days it will be a struggle for you to read your scriptures because of a busy schedule. Sometimes you will have doubts and your testimony will shake. Sometimes you won't always make the best decisions. AND THAT'S OKAY, because it is part of being human. If we never had those instances, what would be the point of coming to earth? I always thought that if I made one wrong move or if I didn't feel like going to 9 am church, that God would make me pay for it later. I thought that if I didn't make the right decision every time, it threw me off the path that God had for me and I was doomed to live a miserable life and pay for my actions every day for the rest of my life. That is not the nature of God and if you feel like that, it's Satan making you feel that way.

There are 3 things that I have learned to do when I start to feel this way:

1. Learn the acronym CPR. Every return missionary seems to know that when your church attendance, prayer and your habit in reading the scriptures is consistent, you feel good. I would also add temple attendance to endowed members. Focus on the small and simple things. The thing I struggled with is coming home from my mission and not being able to study for 3 or 4 hours in the morning and because of that, I felt I was sinning. I felt guilty. I learned that it's quality not quantity. As a missionary I was able to study for that long because of my schedule but once I started working and going to school, it just wasn't realistic. As long as you feel the spirit and it's quality time with the Lord, whether praying or reading the scriptures, it's enough for Him. You and Him both know what your best is. Figure out what that means to you in your situation. I find that when we do these simple things, other gospel principles like service and missionary experiences, will find its way into our lives. Everything just falls into place.

2. Don't compare your discipleship to another's. Every situation is different and people make different choices. We are all trying our best to follow Jesus Christ and it varies in appearance. It has been a mistake of mine to compare my decisions to those of others. I view myself as "not worthy" of gospel blessings because I don't go to the temple as much as so and so or go to Tuesday devotionals like so and so or do the same things as so and so in order to keep the Sabbath Day holy. My mission president once said that comparison is a sign of pride. You either compare yourself to see if you are better than another or you compare to tear yourself down. Both are destructive and are not God's plan. Focus on your situation and what discipleship looks like for you. Do a self-assessment every once and while to check if you can do anything to improve. We can always do a little better but don't set too many goals tow here you are overwhelmed. If you pray to God to know what to focus on, He will tell you what He sees as important for you.

3. You don't have to be perfect to be worthy. The Savior in the Book of Mormon states, "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men..." (Ether 12:27) Jesus Christ is the one who actually gave us our weaknesses. He knows us perfectly and knows what we want. God isn't going to say "Oh well because you failed to read you scriptures on September 16, 2012, you can't marry Tyrone Mather even though you love him very much" or "Man, you didn't have the perfect attitude when you went to church 10 years ago so you won't get that job you've wanted for forever." That's just not His nature. God loves you and so does Jesus Christ. They love you so much and want you to be happy. They want you to marry your best friend, they want you to get the career of your dreams and they most importantly want you to return to His presence. You do not have to be perfect for them to want those things for you. You do not have to be perfect to be worthy of God's love. He loves you no matter what you do and will help you make things right if you make a decision that does't make you happy.

  1 Nephi 17:13 says, "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." Before when I read this, I would have thought that God already had a step by step plan for me that would be laid out for me to figure out and if I messed up, I failed the plan. That I had a set decisions that I had to make that God already planned for me to make and if I varied from that plan, He would punish me. Now I see that this "theory" is wrong. What I have learned is that God is with us every step of the way making decisions with us. When we mess up He says, "That's part of the plan too. Rely on my Son Jesus Christ to repent and feel better. Let's move on from here and let's see how you can be happy." He makes the best out of our weaknesses. He makes our mistakes beautiful. He allows us to make our own decisions in order to be happy and we can know that as long as we are keeping the commandments, we are always going to be happy. We are always going to be living a life that He would want us to lead. We will never be perfect in this life but we will always be worthy.

Drug of The Rising Generation

  I get asked a lot about the posts I make on Facebook and especially the articles that I share about pornography. It's a topic that I feel more people should talk about and take more seriously. I go to a private LDS University up in Idaho and we talk about dating a lot up here and when I say a lot I mean it's part of the curriculum in some classes. I remember going to church for the first time at the University and participating in a Q&A session with our clergy about dating. The very first question that came up was how to deal with pornography whether it's with yourself or the opposite sex. My bishop answered by saying "It's not a matter of IF you have seen pornography anymore, it's a matter of WHEN was the last time and what the young man did when he did see it."

   Just like many others in my generation, I struggled with pornography in high school and found the temptation to view it when I was up at college. The first time I came across it was late at night at my Aunt's house where I ventured into the paper-views. The dark side of Direct TV.  From then on it was occasional on my iPod touch or my laptop. I was never addicted and it wasn't like I couldn't go without it. You just scroll through your Facebook and things pop up, it sparks curiosity and you keep watching. At first I felt like I was the only girl who ever watched pornography but that same Sunday my bishop said that out of 3 years up at the University he found that it was pretty even between the genders who came to him for help. The point I'm trying to make is that pornography is everywhere now, it's more accessible and it doesn't discriminate. Like my bishop said, it's not if anymore and the most important thing is how we react in those situations.

  After that church that day, I actually stumbled upon something positive. It's a movement called Fight The New Drug (FTND), which is an organization dedicated to fighting the porn industry and educating the public about the effects of pornography. This website not only brought so much comfort to me in teaching me that I was not alone but that it is a world wide issue. The graph shows the growth rate of sexual related crimes just in the United States. It has increases 275% since 1980.

   The launch year of the internet was 1990 and 1991 and since then sexual crime rates have been consistently on the rise. Although a lot of variables can go into these statistics, one cannot deny the times and technology that line up with the different data. Even Ted Bundy, one of the most known serial killers of our time, warned us about the effects of pornography and how accessible it was even back when he was interviewed. The amazing thing about this video is that he talks about things that wasn't backed up with science at that time. If this doesn't turn you away from porn than I don't know what will. He said that all the men that he talked to that were like him, "without exception, were deeply involved with pornography." According to a serial killer, crime like rape and murder are rooted back to their involvement with porn.

   There are many types of pornography including child porn, anime porn, bestiality porn and many more. In child pornography the children are as young as an infant and in some cases still have their umbilical cord attached. Some mix bestiality and child porn together and other porn uses violence and near death scenes to arouse. If you think that sex trafficking isn't happening near your, for my American readers, Super Bowl weekend is the largest sex trafficking event IN THE WORLD. It's time we all get educated here in the states. We see all these sex trafficking documentaries on TV filmed in Nepal, India and Cambodia but yet we are ignorant to the fact that it's happening in our own neighborhoods.

   I could write articles and articles about the negative effects that the porn industry has had on our world as we know it today. If you would like to know more, I would strongly suggest that you check out fightthenewdrug.org. If you think that you don't need to educate yourself on this topic than you are naive to the world around you. If you have a son or daughter that is 10-12 years old then chances are they have already seen pornography because they are the average age of someone who views porn for the first time. If they don't learn from you, they will learn it from their friends and our society. This is an issue and a menace that affects every family and individual in the world.

  I have seen in my own life and in the life of those I know, how damaging and destructive pornography can be. It tears families apart and leave individuals broken in it's wakes. It is directly like to sexual assault, rape, sex trafficking and many other wrongs done to others. It destroys love, humanity and compassion. It can become an addiction just like heroin or meth and can lead people to do things they never would have seen themselves doing. It destroys the heart, brain and soul of an individual. It is the most evil thing that could have happened to humanity in my perspective. We need to raise awareness, prepare the next generation, learn from our mistakes and build a better future. Sex was a God-given gift to enjoy between husband and wife and a tool to create families. It should be kept that way. I agree with FTND when they say, "Porn kills love." May we fight to protect that sacred human emotion and use it against porn.

Sources: fightthenewdrug.com and the book The Growth of Incarceration in the United States (graph is found on page 44)